


Building an Existence

by ShadowWolfSky01



Category: Hiveswap
Genre: Character Study, Existential Crisis, Existentialism, F/F, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Poetry
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-04
Updated: 2019-11-04
Packaged: 2021-01-23 01:04:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 536
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21311566
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShadowWolfSky01/pseuds/ShadowWolfSky01
Summary: A character study on Elwurd from Hiveswap (done entirely in poetry).A time in which Elwurd slowly finds purpose in life. A time in which Elwurd builds an existence for herself.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 5





	1. The Wandering Girl

**Author's Note:**

> One of the reasons this is written in poetry is because Elwurd's interest in poetry. The other is because I also have a high interest in poetry.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Elwurd doesn't know who she is, too many masks, y'know?

There's a girl

who's "got her shit together"

always walking down the street in front of houses she doesn't know

Or care to know.

She has slightly mangled teeth

Messy half dyed hair that needs a tune-up

Freckles that fade because she stays in her room

Piercings she did herself

Crow's feet wrinkles from refusing to wear her glasses

Bags that carry sleepless nights underneath her eyes

And a heart that aches.

Aches for what?

She asks herself this question each and every day

Right before burying the answer 6ft under

Because she refuses to accept it as true.

Instead she makes excuses

Uses "coping mechanisms"

Even though she knows the way she copes isn't healthy

Drugs in your system shouldn't count as a coping mechanism

But it's what she counts as one.

To fill the ache she kisses many lovers,

Each only there for a night

A day

A moment.

She's tried that serious romantic bullshit before

It never worked.

So she continues to lock the gates around her heart

To dim the sparkle in her eyes

To drown out her <strike>needing</strike> wanting thoughts.

She watches the life she's set herself up for

Just pass her by.

But still she can't just stay still

The aching haunts her

But she doesn't know what to do

So she finds herself wandering.

An existence that means nothing

An existence that scares her

An existence… that's barely an existence at all.


	2. Is That Really Your Name?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Elwurd's existential crisis continues spiralling further.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Existentialism Continues

What happens when you are so non-existent

That you don't even have a name?

An existence comes with a name...

Well,

At least a know existence does.

But what is a name?

The girl so far has only seen them as things to make a couple of quick bucks

Just a tag to mark something.

Isn't that what a name really is?

But it turns out most people identify themselves with names.

In her mind she goes through a list of names she knows

Some were chosen by their caretakers

_ (Bronya… Karako… Tagora…) _

Others were chosen by themselves

_ (Lanque… Cirava… Daraya…) _

Everyone she's met has had a name

So why didn't she?

Why…

Why?

Why??

Why???

She had given herself a name

But was it really hers to claim?

It wasn't a name she had particularly thought about

So does it count? 

Is she the person that the name identifies?

Identify…

Would someone be able to even identify her?

Does someone without an existence have an identity?

All of this hurts her head

Her head

Her mind

Her…

Nothing.


	3. Home?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There continues to be only one good Cerulean Lusus (Mallek's)

If the place you sleep in

Doesn't feel like a place you belong in

Then can you really call it your home?

If you feel better at someone else's place

Rather than your own

Then is your place really your home?

She always feels wary of the predator in her home

The one who has trapped her in her bedroom on multiple occasions

The one who tells her that her smile makes her look ugly oh so often

The one who has told her to "act normal for once" time and time again 

The one who tore up her journal in front of her.

Maybe there's a reason why the sound of tearing paper always makes her flinch.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If y'all are curious as to what I headcanon Elwurd's lusus to be:  
I headcanon it's a Liger


End file.
